Have you ever heard of the Kobiashi Maru? Those of you with a Star Trek background will remember that it is a no-win scenario that tests your character. The test-taker is given a simulation where he or she must make choices. No matter what you choose, you will lose the ship, your teammates, or maybe your own life. But the thing that you think is being measured is not the thing that is really being measured.

A lot of life is like that. Right now, I am in a situation and have been for over 5 years where no matter what I do, someone I love is going to be hurt or may even feel provoked into attacking me.

It is all new territory and often things happen so quickly that I am not always aware of all the rules before I have to act. And there are times that I just plain goof up. I often feel that the test is not fair because there doesn't appear to be a way to really win.

But lately, I have been thinking that it is not about executing this responsibility without fault, but it is more about the compassion and sensitivity I show to those who who will either benefit or suffer because of the choices I make (or their perception of what they think I should have done). It is sometimes about the way I deal with those who attack me when they don't have all the facts or don't care what the facts are. Its about wanting so badly to lash out and say something in my own defense when silence is the wisest choice. It is also about caving in and reacting to someone's hostility or lack of understanding when I should have let it go.

It is about being able to admit my mistakes when they come to light and being able to move on. It's a test of character.

I am not sure how I am fairing in this test. People will often give you one grade, but God may see it differently. Regardless of my real score, life has a way of giving you lots of opportunities to demonstrate your character and lots of opportunities to realize that you are not quite as kind, thoughtful or just plain good as you thought you were.

But there have also been days when, by the grace of God, I truly did like the way I handled myself. I don't want to deceive myself in thinking I am doing a better job than I am, but I do have a tendency to beat myself up and allow my indiscretions to overshadow everything else.

Counselors are wounded healers. Over and over, during my graduate program, I heard these words. And they seem to be true.

Many of us who come to the profession sought out the profession because we were trying to heal. And when you receive healing, it is easy to want healing for everyone.

But not everyone wants to be healed, and even if they want healing, few people really want you to take away their pain. Sometimes, they just need someone to be there with them as they go through it. They often release the pain when it no longer serves a purpose.

I have a situation in my life that is causing me a lot of pain right now. I would like the pain to go away, but I do not want the people who are contributing to the pain to go away. I happen to love them. But I would like for all of us to learn how to live with each other in such a way that joy is the natural result when we are together.

In some cases, I am not certain the family member wants joy or peace. In those cases, I guess I will just have to find peace and personal healing in the absense of relational healing.

In the meantime, everyone is seeing less of me. I am down 10.6 lbs. And, I plan to spend the next few days with the part of my family that gives me endless joy.

Stress has become such a way of life; I am no longer stressed about being stressed! I either heard this in passing or said this in passing. : ) I know that I have been anesthetizing my stress through food for several years. Now that I am losing weight, I am more conscious of the pain I was relieving -- but not releasing -- through food. It was simply a form of suppression or a way of pushing the pain away by hiding it inside.

And, when I don't allow my favorite tranquilizer (food) to be an option, I find myself more volatile and temperamental, which makes me feel out of control. And then, I risk passing on that pain to others or becoming aggressive, which is another way of pushing the pain away, but this time toward someone else.

When we choose between suppression and aggression, we attempt to diffuse our pain by not dealing with it, but it never really goes away. It only recycles.


I did hear something in Bible class this week that gives me strength in this area: "Whatever you can feel, God can heal."

Somewhere between suppression and aggression is the middle ground where we connect with the pain so God can set it free. It may involve expression or confession, but ultimately, it provides the only protection for our spirit.

As a counselor, I know that release is a better option than relief. In order to release pain, you must face it. But it takes courage to travel that road, even when you know what is at the end. It is not the destination we fear, but the journey.

But God is faithful.

My 68 year old widowed neighbor is in luvvvvv. I tell you, this is worse than when my teenagers were going gaa gaa over their latest crush!

I read emails about Wayne. I engage in one-sided conversations about dear sweet Wayne. I sit across a card table playing Skip Bo while she sighs, swoons and drools over Wayne. At least, I am winning the latest games, due to her preoccupation over Wayne.

If Wayne calls, I get a play-by-play description. If he doesn't call, I hear the laments. If I let my answering machine pick up, she fills it up telling me the latest. She won't let her son or daughter-in-law meet this guy. She is afraid they will ruin everything for her, and well they might. They are rather bossy, or so she says.

I did have the opportunity to meet him and I guess if I were 68, I might think he was kinda cute. I know she is lonely and wishes to have a special someone in her life again. He does return her affection.

She deserves to have the love of a good man, if that is what she wants. She is sweet, nurturing, outgoing, friendly. She's a good cook, seamstress and does a good deal of writing -- more so lately. She just sent me a love poem about Wayne!

As parents age, their children do tend to take on parenting roles. They worry about their parents becoming incapacitated, taking their medications, making dumb decisions, or someone taking advantage of them. And this can be a good thing.

My question is this: Am I aiding and abetting a Senior? I really don't think so, but then her son might disagree with me.

I'll admit this all seems a "tad" excessive, but if she doesn't come back to earth in a few weeks, or if I see a ladder outside her bedroom window, I will call the love police.

For as long as I can remember, my family has been at war -- at war with fascists, at war with communists, at war with liberals, at war with ultra-conservatives, at war with each other. And, yes, there are truly things in our lives that God would have us fight against, but war within families ... (?)

The family war is a tag-team war. Its rules were well established before I was born, and has been passed down from father to son, mother to daughter, on and on. Each generation longs to break the cycle, but they do it by criticizing those that have gone before. And what they don't realize is that by doing that, they break down any foundation on which to build their lives.

No one wants to repeat the bad or hurtful, but you cannot implement good if you tear down what is good. And when you tear down people, you tear down the good, perhaps more than you tear down the bad.


I remember criticizing my parents for their mistakes, for not loving each other, for divorcing, for criticizing their parents, etc. Funny how when I focused on their shortcomings that those mistakes began to take root in me. It wasn't until I began to honor my parents and build on their successes, or at least acknowledge them, that my life had energy to be transformed.


And this is the heritage I wish to leave to my children and theirs.

I ran across this sobering insight:

Either we learn what it means to lead by example, or we are lounge chair leaders who have deceived ourselves into believing that our ability to criticize those who go before us is the same as having reached the top of the mountain before them! --Guy Finley

I would add this: Lounge chair leaders only improve lounge chair sales.

Something to add the the list of good news/bad news scenarios:Friday afternoon, someone from the sheriff's department contacted my office and told me that there had been a call from my home number to 911; that they had dispatched a deputy to respond, since when they called back, the number was busy and they were concerned with whoever had called was still on the line but unable to respond.

When the deputy arrive on my home property, he found the back door opened and proceeded to go in and look around. He looked in every room and in every closet. The good news is no one was there. The bad news is that this deputy saw my house in a real mess! Aagh!

So, what happened and who called 911? Apparently, no one. We had had a deluge of rain the night before and the lines were malfunctioning. Our number "rang" 911 all by itself. Perhaps there was an intellegence at work. Perhaps my phone lines were drowning and the old survival instinct kicked in.

Why was the back door open? Again, don't know for sure, but sometimes, when my husband leaves for work in a hurry, he doesn't pull it shut all the way.But, it was mostly good news--no one hurt, no one inside ransacking the place, the assurance that our law enforcement services are on the job. The only bad news was the part where the deputy saw my messy house!

This deputy is new in town. He was the one who "arrested" me Thursday with the MDA fundraiser. When I went home to see what was going on. I took one look at him and said, "We really have to stop meeting like this."

I have some catching up to do.

Life is good.

I have lost 9 lbs since joining Weight Watchers.

Work has been busy. This year's 6th grade class is one for the records. We appear to have more students who have special needs. We have even had to hire extra staff to shadow some of them one-on-one. I am sure we will see more of this as time goes on. We simply can't keep kids locked up in an E. D. unit and expect them to ever be able to function in a normal classroom.

I was also one of the "chosen" fundraisers for MDA. What that meant was that if I didn't raise my quota, (or bail) they would arrest me and lock me up. Well, I didn't raise all of my "bail", so as they were leading me away, I issued one more plea/demand/ultimatum to my principal: "If you don't raise the rest of my bail, then I guess I will just be gone for the rest of the day!"

I wasn't gone 10 minutes before there was a crisis. And it was one of those situations that truly accentuates how blessed I am as well as brings to mind how swiftly life can change.

More later.....