Have you ever heard of the Kobiashi Maru? Those of you with a Star Trek background will remember that it is a no-win scenario that tests your character. The test-taker is given a simulation where he or she must make choices. No matter what you choose, you will lose the ship, your teammates, or maybe your own life. But the thing that you think is being measured is not the thing that is really being measured.
A lot of life is like that. Right now, I am in a situation and have been for over 5 years where no matter what I do, someone I love is going to be hurt or may even feel provoked into attacking me.
It is all new territory and often things happen so quickly that I am not always aware of all the rules before I have to act. And there are times that I just plain goof up. I often feel that the test is not fair because there doesn't appear to be a way to really win.
But lately, I have been thinking that it is not about executing this responsibility without fault, but it is more about the compassion and sensitivity I show to those who who will either benefit or suffer because of the choices I make (or their perception of what they think I should have done). It is sometimes about the way I deal with those who attack me when they don't have all the facts or don't care what the facts are. Its about wanting so badly to lash out and say something in my own defense when silence is the wisest choice. It is also about caving in and reacting to someone's hostility or lack of understanding when I should have let it go.
It is about being able to admit my mistakes when they come to light and being able to move on. It's a test of character.
I am not sure how I am fairing in this test. People will often give you one grade, but God may see it differently. Regardless of my real score, life has a way of giving you lots of opportunities to demonstrate your character and lots of opportunities to realize that you are not quite as kind, thoughtful or just plain good as you thought you were.
But there have also been days when, by the grace of God, I truly did like the way I handled myself. I don't want to deceive myself in thinking I am doing a better job than I am, but I do have a tendency to beat myself up and allow my indiscretions to overshadow everything else.
A lot of life is like that. Right now, I am in a situation and have been for over 5 years where no matter what I do, someone I love is going to be hurt or may even feel provoked into attacking me.
It is all new territory and often things happen so quickly that I am not always aware of all the rules before I have to act. And there are times that I just plain goof up. I often feel that the test is not fair because there doesn't appear to be a way to really win.
But lately, I have been thinking that it is not about executing this responsibility without fault, but it is more about the compassion and sensitivity I show to those who who will either benefit or suffer because of the choices I make (or their perception of what they think I should have done). It is sometimes about the way I deal with those who attack me when they don't have all the facts or don't care what the facts are. Its about wanting so badly to lash out and say something in my own defense when silence is the wisest choice. It is also about caving in and reacting to someone's hostility or lack of understanding when I should have let it go.
It is about being able to admit my mistakes when they come to light and being able to move on. It's a test of character.
I am not sure how I am fairing in this test. People will often give you one grade, but God may see it differently. Regardless of my real score, life has a way of giving you lots of opportunities to demonstrate your character and lots of opportunities to realize that you are not quite as kind, thoughtful or just plain good as you thought you were.
But there have also been days when, by the grace of God, I truly did like the way I handled myself. I don't want to deceive myself in thinking I am doing a better job than I am, but I do have a tendency to beat myself up and allow my indiscretions to overshadow everything else.
posted by Serena Voss at 11:16 AM
4 Comments:
Sounds like you have alot going on. The fact that you can post this without sounding one bit negative or bitter tells me that you probably do have many more good days than bad ones. I think most women go through a time like this in their lives...ultimately we must realize that we CANNOT possibly make everyone happy. But you have given me some great thoughts and ways to anazlyze situations when next I find myself in them.
Thanks, Donna.
Actually the pressure cooker I have going on inside of me lately does alarm me.
Emotions are tricky little creatures. I know I am not alone, but it feels like it. Someday, when I am a little farther along this journey, I may write more about it.
God bless!
Hello Serena.
As a new blogger, I am still stumbling my way through blogdom, and low and behold, I get here on so small a thing as a "." and find another "Helper" in a world that desparately needs more of them. Hope you don't mind, but I linked your post (for all the difference it makes, as so far as I know, no-one as yet even knows I have a blog, and I'm still not sure if I'm going to tell anyone I know. :/ Who knows? Some years from now, if any of this survives, someone can appreciate your thoughts, after enduring mine.
God bless you, Serena, and thanks for putting your thoughts here.
Andy
Hi Andy,
Thanks for passing through and taking the time to post a message. Blogging provides a great opportunity to connect, discuss ideas, give and receive writing encouragement and meet new and interesting people.
Feel free to drop in again and I will be on the look out for your blog. : )
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